The Art Of Self-Sabotage
Like drawing a picture or writing a book, there is a lot of creativity in the way we self-sabotage. It is an art unto itself. None of us set out to create a life that is unsuccessful, anxiety ridden, less than in almost every possible way. It is also true that not every person self-sabotages.
The reasons for self-sabotage are numerous, although there are a couple of specific drivers, and each person will have their own reason for doing it. Contrary to popular opinion it is not fear of failure, it is the fear of success.
Because self-sabotage is such an art, it is not always immediately apparent. On the surface a person could be doing quite well, even successful to the casual observer. They look like they are moving in the direction of their dreams. Underneath it is a whole different story. Usually a quite complex story that hides the big fear, builds the ego up about how good they are but how misunderstood. The one thing a person who is self-sabotaging cannot do is admit that they are responsible. They screwed up. They are 100% responsible for what has happened. It is not circumstances, the economy or the government. It is their own sub-conscious fear of success and what success could mean to them.
The number one driver behind self-sabotage is the subconscious little child. All they want is to be loved and nurtured. To succeed means that they will be responsible for themselves and they don’t want that. They want what they have never had. A mum or dad who will look after them, no matter what. Someone who will love them regardless of success or failure. They fear abandonment or being an adult far too soon. They are the ultimate Peter Pan. They refuse to grow up and take responsibility.
The second driver is the teenager. At this age a person wants to both fit in, and to be unique. They are finding out who they are and yet they want to still fit in with their peers. Most teenagers grow through this phase with some angst but no long term harm. For some though the differences between what they are capable of and what their peers will accept is too wide. They are bullied, set aside, ridiculed. In an effort to fit in the self-sabotage starts. They will dumb themselves down to fit in. Set aside passions that are seen as weird. Make themselves smaller to not make others feel less than. To succeed in the way they are capable of will mean not being part of their peer group, and the fear of not being accepted is greater than their desire for success.
- Admit that you screwed up. Admit that your life is 100% the way it is because of what you have done or not done. There is no one else to blame. It is totally your responsibility. You chose to be with the less than perfect partner. You chose to spend money unwisely, you chose to not follow the steps to success. You chose to not love yourself and to take care of yourself in a healthy way. You chose to let fear rule your life. Do not blame yourself or get carried away by guilt. This is purely an exercise in taking responsibility and accepting what is.
- Talk to your inner child. They will talk to you. Find that tiny little voice within you that talks about how afraid they are. How much they hurt because of being abandoned. How much they fear what will happen if you succeed. They fear being forgotten, neglected, abandoned all over again. Tell your inner child how much you love them. Find out how to nurture them. Do they need specific things to feel love? Let them know that you will always be there for them. Let them know that you will always have time to play.
- Find your passion. Allow yourself the time to develop it. Play up to your strengths and develop mastery in them and find a tribe that will love that about you and will support you. You may find that you drift away from old peer groups or you may find that you just develop a much wider friendship base. As the subconscious teenager you are able to use logic and reason. Use affirmations, give yourself permission and allow yourself to the best version of you possible. There are others out there who will get you, find them, nurture those relationships and let yourself grow even more.
- Do not be afraid to start again. Success is ultimately being able to get up and start again when you have missed the mark. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself the time necessary to build that which you are capable of. Be inspired by people like President Lincoln, Colonel Sanders and Warren Buffet. All of them were over 50 when they succeeded. Allow yourself to succeed. Change your story. Find a passion and purpose and let the love of that be stronger than the fear. You will then naturally succeed.
Love and Light