Being Okay With Who You Are On Your Worst Day
Today I felt like giving up. Not in the sense of giving up on living but giving up on living life on my terms. I was feeling like a failure. I have paying customers but not enough to support me. My husband needs my support and I feel so conflicted between being there for him and doing what needs to be done to grow a successful business. I tend to forgo business for my girls and sometimes I just want to draw, knit, buy some material which I never get around to sewing because it is not part of my business. Then I give up to play a computer game because it seems like the only true ‘me’ time I get. Today was a worst day.
The thinking, the old patterns, the voices of others takes over. I should go and get a real job. You can’t live without money and it has to be your first priority. Look after your health, exercise, eat right. Without your health you are nothing. Getting a job will provide the money even if it kills the spirit. You have to be realistic.
On my worst days I think I am lazy, not enough, a failure.
I took a look at my sketch book. I have been drawing a bit more this year and the sketches are improving. Relaxing with some self-hypnosis beforehand has been great as I am not going into the drawing with the feeling that it will be pretty bad. I now start drawing with the intention of capturing what I see.
I read a few of my old journal entries. Each year that I had put in writing a wish list, over 90% of my wish list came to pass. I am still not sure how… this year I didn’t do one until a few weeks ago.. This year I have been studying marketing and sales, a lot of conventional business wisdom. Wish lists are not high on their priority, only smart goals and working hard. I had let go of the more spiritual reading. Law of Attraction may seem stupid to many, but those filled wish lists suggest to me it works better for me than much of the conventional business wisdom.
Yesterday I babysat for much of the day with a short break to take my husband to a pain clinic. It was a day filled with love, fun and helping others. It left me feeling conflicted. I love being able to help my daughter, to babysit my grandson and I know my husband appreciates my being there for him. It doesn’t help me bring in income which is needed.
I can have good days and bad days. On my worst days I question everything. The only question that is really worth answering though is: Am I still worthwhile even on my worst day? Even thinking that thought brightens me up.
To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
This is a quote by Ralph Waldo Emmerson and I first wrote it down and started carrying it around almost 10 years ago. I still read it every now and then to remind myself that my “success” is not reliant on my income or my bank account. It is in being who I am to the best of my ability each and every day. Yesterday I had lots, and gave lots, of affection from my grandson. Today I can appreciate beauty. I can be grateful for all the good I do have in my life. I can know for sure that even on my worst days, I am still worthwhile.
My worth is not based on what I do. My worth is not based on other people’s opinion. My worth is in being me. My worth is in how I perceive the world. What I make that mean, and how I take that to serve the world in some way. My worth is in allowing myself to just “BE” on my good days and my bad days and even on my worst day.
Love yourself and decide what your worth is to you. Work out for yourself what success means to you. Believe in yourself. Allow yourself to have good, bad and even worst days.. they all pass eventually. Live your life on your terms and don’t give up. Adjust, re-think, do something new, remember that you are worthwhile because you are you and even on your worst day that still applies.
Love and Light