My Personal Journey of Self-Worth – What I am Still Learning
It has almost been ten years since I started this particular journey in my life. At my lowest point I sat on the back step at my dad’s house and contemplated suicide. I felt hopeless. I thought I didn’t matter. Zero self-worth. My life was a mess. Then I heard a voice. “You are in a prison of your own making, change your thoughts to change your life.” That was the moment I chose to heed the voice. Since then I have embraced learning all I can about how our thoughts affect our lives. This isn’t the simple conscious thoughts but about the unconscious and the spiritual as well.
The first part of the journey was about learning enough to get through the depression. It was learning about the spiral affects of thoughts. They can spiral you up or they can spiral you down. It was about finding any and all means to re-wire the brain. Walking barefoot in nature, taking on more exercise and joining a group so I belonged somewhere. My first lesson was that I mattered. I was born for a reason and one day I would find out what it was. I forgave people for abandoning me. It took time, affirmations and a dogged determination to matter to me.
I am Love
The second part of the journey was about relationships. The sad lesson I learnt was that when you are totally down and out relationships are hard. You don’t recognise love, even when people are there for you. Love is something you need in a kind of repulsive, needy, way. This makes relationships with those who want to love you very hard. You cannot give within a relationship what you don’t have in yourself. Learning that I was love and loveable was the second lesson I learnt. It has transformed my relationships, from those closest to me to the new people I am meeting every week.
The third part of my journey was about “Who am I”. I didn’t know who “I” was. What made me excited and passionate? Where did I want to live? This part of the journey took a while. It is in this area that a lot of early conditioning has some very deep roots. The conditioning means it is hard to distinguish between what it is you really desire, (soul desire) and what you have been taught “should” be your aspirations.
It was also a fun time. I took riding lessons so I could be around horses. I was given a horse. My job was sewing as it was creative although ultimately quite boring. I became a coach so I could pass on all that I have learnt. Last year I moved back to a bush block I have part owned for a long time. This is my little slice of heaven. Since moving I have joined a fine art group and a woodworking group which I both love. Every day there is something new and exciting to get stuck into.
All of these new, interesting, gratifying and exciting things were happening. But, and there always is a but because this is a life-long journey of growth, potential and discovery. Something was still not right. I had changed my life in the area of mental health, physical health, relationships and knowing my purpose. The money story has been a lot more uneven. Since January I have been working on this in my journal every day. It is exciting and scary. What was the biggest surprise for me was just how much- deep down- I didn’t think I was worthy of making a lot of money. It turns out the money story is very similar to the love story. I was generous because I wanted God and the universe to be generous back to me. I was repulsively needy in my attitude to money.
This is where it gets a little tricky. You can learn to love yourself. It is an entirely inner game. But what about money? You can’t generate physical money from your heart. Money is the outward sign of an inner reality. The energy of self-worth. The knowing you are worth far more than every negative statement about how lazy you are. The ‘face up to reality’ speeches about how nobody makes a living from art. To a young person this means that who they are is worthless. They have to be someone else to be successful.
Once these deep seated beliefs are realised, they can be let go of. It then again becomes the dogged determination to re-write the story on worth. I am worthy of having money because the lazy artist who wants to help everybody is here doing what she is meant to be doing. Being completely and unashamedly herself.
Is your self-worth holding you back? Are you living a “should” life that is reflecting back the lie in limited funds? If you would like help or assistance in any of these areas in life then please comment below or contact me.
Love and Light